More.

I feel as if I should start by briefly stating that it's been a while since I've written or posted anything. Although that's obvious, sometimes people just feel like they need to state something and so they do.
This is one of those times.
Now onward to the heart of the matter: Encouragement from above.

Lately I've been in need of a lot of Jesus. (every day since forever) Today especially, I needed to see Him working. I needed encouragement. There are different reasons why, but the bottom line is that being human subjects us to feelings of inadequacy whenever our focus isn't 400% on Jesus. He is everything everything everything, and without Him I feel worthless. There's certainly a reason why one of the most famous hymns of all time rings "Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth." (side note, it is literally my favorite line ever) Alright..abandoning my rabbit trail.

Today I asked God to show Himself to me. I needed to see Him in action and I needed to get alone with Him; so I did what anyone else(no one) would do and I headed to McKay's. (okay, maybe I needed maps and words too) After I got my fill of meandering through countless aisles of abandoned books, sitting on the floor, head craned up towards the skyscrapers of countless bound words begging to be set free and turned over in one's mind, I reluctantly made my way to the part where they ask for the adoption money. I waited in line, with my unfortunately short stack of books (it was small enough to fit in one hand because college..and broke..and sad). I neared the front of the line and noticed a man scrounging for change to cover the last of his payment for the prized world atlas that weighed probably 80 lbs (I held it in my own hands just earlier and it was wonderful). I reached for my wallet to give whatever he lacked when I was interrupted by--"Next!" (one does not simply hold up a busy line at McKay's) I exchanged a greeting with my cashier, swiped plastic for my new found treasure, and heard the same man's cashier ask her coworker if she had 50 cents. To my delight, I was awaiting my receipt and still had my wallet out. "I've got it!" I handed two quarters to my cashier and asked her to pass it down. She smiled and commented that the act was very kind. At that point I was solely thankful that God allowed a second opportunity to help a fellow lover of knowledge. I had gotten everything that I asked for: to see God. He didn't have to allow that opportunity again, but He did and that meant the world to me(I believe giving is one of my love languages). My cashier was type type typing things on the register and said not to run off yet. I asked if there was a problem with my debit card being read (those pesky magnetic strips). She said that everything went through, but asked for me to wait. About 10 seconds later she handed me a store credit that totaled $1.00, smiled, and said "Sometimes kindness pays double."

I got my maps.

jwdioandfaubfubdjskjcs.........Jesus. Wow. I still can't get over Him today. I could go on and on about Him. If I started, I might not stop because I'd probably get all black preacher and hallelujah choir. That's always a sight.

Today I experienced God. He didn't have to show up for me, but He did. He didn't have anything to prove to me...but He did. He proved His faithfulness. Every day He proves this true. He is faithful. He is here. He is working.

I'm not sure the sweet cashier knew the depth of her actions. Tonight she served as the hands and feet of Jesus, and I was blessed to experience firsthand the truth that God is not short of resources and He is always exceedingly, abundantly more.

"Sometimes kindness pays double."

Spread the love.

A few good words.

My otherwise awful textbook, thus far, did have at least one nice thing to say:

"The Romantic love of nature is more than a taste for pretty scenery; it is an attempt to humanize nature, to replace humanity's view of itself as part of a machine, however well and benignly made, with a vision of the world as essentially an extension of the human soul." (Wilkie and Hurt 12)

This is nice.

No need for plagiarism:

Wilkie, Brian, and James Hurt. Literature of the Western World. 5th. 1. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Prentice Hall, 2001. 12. Print.

These days are good ones.

If I could bottle and sell these late-night moments of solitude, music, and painting, I promise that people would buy them.

holy holy holy.

His grace goes further still.

How wretched we are. The most recent headline on the news is a sure testifier to the condition of the world. Little children have been exchanged for a despair that only the peace of Jesus can supplement. So many people are hurting, angry, and proclaiming the need of a Savior. Hearts are stirred far and wide. The world cries out for revenge.

What grieves my heart even more than the tragedy is that it takes an event of this measure for Christians to even acknowledge the desperation of the world. This is what it takes for Christians to get on their knees and taste the heart of the God they claim to serve. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." That is one dangerous plea and I honestly believe that most don't understand the weight of it.

This catastrophe has made people angry, and it very well should. But if believers are out on the frontline with a heart of vengeance, then they don't look any different from everyone else. Where is the grace of Jesus that they received through faith?

My mind swarms with questions and my heart with feelings concerning the tragedy that took place today. From every angle you could possibly look at it, everything goes back to a need for Jesus.

One of the best ways I can express my heart is through these verses:

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service; even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy, because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." 1 Timothy 1:12-15 (NASB)

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;" Proverbs 25:21

If the men responsible for the devastation were thirsty, I would hope my brothers and sisters in Christ would give them something to drink.

We shouldn't be surprised that a broken world produces destruction. What was done is sickening, twisted, repulsive, and wrong on every level, but His grace goes further still.

Ode to the 14th: a moment of belonging.

I wrote the following paragraphs on the 14th of September. I found it today and decided to leave it unfinished, as it is. My struggles, condition of heart, and even experience of life on the 23rd is different from that of the 14th. I couldn't replicate exactly the way that I felt when I began writing this, and for me to even attempt that would be robbing myself and anyone who stumbles upon it from a genuine remembrance of that day. I would even say that the moment described below has further shaped my heart for this day. A lot can happen in 9 days. I'm weighing the empty feeling of unresolution against that of accidental distortion. Read on, my dear, it's all genuine from here:

"Lately I've been living out a feeling of un-belonging. I know that it's not going away soon because I am in a season of transition. I am here and living in one place while Jesus is preparing my heart, mind and being for somewhere and something else. It's going to be big. 5-6 months ago Jesus told me that this would be a year of preparation. Slowly and surely He is revealing what I'm being prepared for. It's fun and exciting but I'm not at that place yet and He's already taught me to live presently.

Surely we see the dilemma. Here I am. I'm living here, being prepared for there, getting excited, being told secrets by Jesus (which is thrilling), all the while I'm still called to live presently and in this moment and not miss anything now due the fact that the future is waving its arms in front of my face like it's trying to land a plane. Right. It's a little erratic. I hope these run-on sentences are wearing you out and further illustrating just how exhausting these thought patterns are.

I get caught up in trying so hard not to live in the future and to keep my focus on this moment and I'm saying "Jesus help me," all the time because I know there's no way I can do anything on my own. When it comes down to it, although my intentions are good, my problem is that my mind keeps zooming in on the chaos when my focus needs to be completely on Jesus. I get lost in trying so hard and I completely forget to rest.

Today I rested. I hung my hammock and Jesus held me. The weather was a perfect overcast. The wind was blowing over me and little leaves were falling all around. My heart was still and I was close to Jesus. I crave moments like the one I had today. A moment of completeness. I wanted to stay there forever.

Right when I thought it couldn't get any better the sun broke through the clouds, warmed my face, and I knew that God was smiling at me."

The end.
Right in the midst of a smiling God seems like a nice place to remain anyway.

Seven might be a holy number.

Most of the time I'm restless.
Even if I seem calm there's a million things going through my mind. Partially because I don't keep a day planner. That's a whole other story though and 9.5 out of 10 times I always remember. Anyway, I'm restless. Always looking to the future and trying organize what that will look like...even though I'm go with the flow and don't plan things anyway. At all. And one could call me unorganized. Not exactly. I'm just scattered. It's different. So we can say I'm a dreamer. Perfect word. Even though I'm super realistic. My problem is that I don't make sense.

I stay busy. All the time. When I'm not busy I'm restless. I feel like I am only content to sit when I'm having one-on-one time with someone because I believe quality time to be worth more than the purest of gold. It's probably one of my love languages.

I don't plan for tomorrow or next week. I plan for seasons. For example: Fall I'm taking these classes, Spring I'm taking these, I will be here for this holiday, and I plan to do this over the Summer. Oh wait...that was my problem. Lord, what do You want to do with my summer?

Long story short, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to be home. I thought that meant America. So I ruled out overseas mission trips, which was extremely hard. My heart is not here. I ruled out working at an out of state camp because Texas is not my home. Tennessee must be. So when I was presented with an opportunity to work at a camp within the great Volunteer State I was thrilled and my heart was conflicted. I didn't understand. Over a period of time I had a battle going on inside of my heart and my mind didn't know what to do. So I procrastinated.

Last night I finally began filling out the application because it was due in 4 days. Haha deadlines. I don't generally forget them. When I got to the question that asked why I was applying to work at that place I came to a crater in my confidence. I felt very alone and confused for the smallest fraction of a second, yet I can recall the feeling as if it had lasted an eternity. I honestly could not force myself to write that I felt God leading me there. So I skipped the question and began finishing the forever long form.

Obviously I would be faced with the question again. How juvenile of myself to believe that it would have been anything less than it was upon a second return. It was the same question. The way that I felt facing something without God having my back was terrible enough for me to cease filling out the form and do some serious soul searching.

 I wasn't sure what home was. I thought home was an area. Not at all. Last night I learned what home is and what it is not. My home is not America. My home is not Chattanooga. My home is not even the place that I sleep every night. My home is the people that I love the most.

To summarize everything that I have explained and all the more that I have not, I knew God had work for me at home this summer. I didn't listen to the whole "home" thing very well. Opportunities kept throwing themselves at me and they were all absolutely fantastic, but I was confused. After seven pages of a not so wasted camp application, a seven page text to organize my thoughts, and more than a few light bulbs shining with the light of seven suns inside my head and my heart, my summer was decided.

Last night, March 27th, 2012, marked the start of a new season in my life. It even has a theme. Be still. That's my theme. There's a few verses for it. You can find them in the Bible. Anyway, I like to look ahead and plan for seasons. So what will I be doing this season? Learning to be still. Be still. Be still.

So summer....what shall I do....drumroll......ba da ba da ba da ba da ba daaaa....
This summer I will be loving on my family, my friends, my church, and my city. I love these people and these people are my home. I will remain where I am and wake up to God's adventure for me every day. It's gonna be wild. I'm way excited. But I will only be able to have the wild and the unexpected thrills of a new day planned by my Love if I continually choose to be still.

Seven pages of paper, seven pages of a text, seven suns of God's glory shining down in my life.
Seven might really be a holy number.

I am a cloud.

Rain rain rain.

I hear the drips and the drops dancing outside my window. There was a cloud. Somewhere there was a cloud. This cloud went on a journey and picked a little something up here and another little something up over there and eventually it got to a place where it had to let it all go. It couldn't hold on any longer. In my heart I don't know what to believe. I don't know if this cloud finally burst or if it just let these things go. My heart doesn't know. Tonight it rains.

This could easily be a dark post with streaks of light towards the last few paragraphs. A post that says I held on to baggage for so long and now I'm letting it go via tears. There are lots of posts like that. I believe it could be that, but I know that it is not. It is about my heart. Oh, my heart, it is full of joy. I am a cloud. I've been on a journey, picking up something here and little something there about my Jesus. He's slowly been filling my heart with His love and His joy for the past 17 years. From the day that I was born and began thrashing about in my sin nature He loved me. Even before then. Before I was single cell He loved me. Before my grandparents were able to walk or crawl He loved me and He desired me. Well, now my heart can't hold all of that love.

What does that even mean? I'm figuring it out. I think I know the answer. I'll tell you what it looks like. My heart can't hold all of that love. That means when I think about my Jesus I have an inexpressible joy. When I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I feel the full definition of a family; and I genuinely love each and every single one of them. I may not know their names, but I know that I love them, and that feels warm. Warmth is a good thing. I laugh a lot. Really, unless you're around me for any amount of time, you probably don't understand. I laugh a lot. And I giggle. I chuckle. Those are all different things. And sometimes tears fill my eyes when I do those things. I don't know why. Sometimes laughter isn't enough. It also means that my heart literally feels warm sometimes. I can't explain it any other way than that. When I say heart, I think I mean my spirit. I'm not sure. I'll work on understanding that. Obviously I'm not talking about my heart as in the muscle. Just bear with me.

There are a lot of other ways I think I could try to explain what I feel but I'm still trying to grasp what it is I'm talking about. Again, bear with me. Anis Mojgani. Look him up. He's incredible. Just do it. Anyway, there's a part of a poem he wrote and it's the best way that I know to explain where I am. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." That's what I realize I need to do. Let it go. My heart, my spirit, everything about myself, is free by the saving grace of Jesus. I am free. I have a free heart. I have a free spirit. Really. It's incredible. Jesus? You should seriously check that guy out. He's the real deal.

So now my heart, spirit, being, everything is free.  And it has been for a while now. Except not really because there has been something holding me back and that is myself. How ridiculous of me. My heart and spirit have been in the cage of me and all the while I've been lying to myself and saying that they were free. What does that mean? I've basically been saying "Oh yeah they're free, but I'm not letting them go." How ignorant. My heart wasn't full yet.

I've been seeking my Jesus and trying to hold onto everything He's been saying. A little this here and a little something there. He's been preparing me. My cloud is filling up. His love has been pouring over me for forever now, but it's just been lately, in the past few years, that I have tried to catch any of it in my cup of life. So, it would take a really long time to elaborate on my relationship with Him over the years with its "ups and downs" and how it was only me on that roller coaster and that He was just waiting for me to get over myself and step into His arms. Going into all of that would take a lot more patience than I think I will ever have.

Focusing on now. Here I am. I have all of this love and joy and I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it caged within me and harbored it as my own. It bounces around within me and gives me all of these unexplainable feelings that I love. Now I know that my heart is going to explode if I don't start putting it somewhere else, because I know for a fact that Jesus is going to keep pouring into me. I'm gonna have to unlock that cage and truly set my heart and spirit free. What do I do with this joy? Oh hey, here's a logical answer. It's something that I've been told all of my life to do. I'm just now getting it. I'm supposed to share it with people. I'm supposed to tell others about my Jesus so that they can have some of this joy too, because I can't harbor it all for myself. There's way too much.

Seems so simple. Makes so much sense. I'm just now getting it. So this is where the cloud finds itself breaking. No. Not breaking. It's letting go. My heart is sure. So now I let go. I really don't have any other choice because this joy and love is breaking through me whether I like it or not. This is how it's supposed to be. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." I am free. Welcome to the overflow. When it rains, it pours. Let it rain.