I am a cloud.

Rain rain rain.

I hear the drips and the drops dancing outside my window. There was a cloud. Somewhere there was a cloud. This cloud went on a journey and picked a little something up here and another little something up over there and eventually it got to a place where it had to let it all go. It couldn't hold on any longer. In my heart I don't know what to believe. I don't know if this cloud finally burst or if it just let these things go. My heart doesn't know. Tonight it rains.

This could easily be a dark post with streaks of light towards the last few paragraphs. A post that says I held on to baggage for so long and now I'm letting it go via tears. There are lots of posts like that. I believe it could be that, but I know that it is not. It is about my heart. Oh, my heart, it is full of joy. I am a cloud. I've been on a journey, picking up something here and little something there about my Jesus. He's slowly been filling my heart with His love and His joy for the past 17 years. From the day that I was born and began thrashing about in my sin nature He loved me. Even before then. Before I was single cell He loved me. Before my grandparents were able to walk or crawl He loved me and He desired me. Well, now my heart can't hold all of that love.

What does that even mean? I'm figuring it out. I think I know the answer. I'll tell you what it looks like. My heart can't hold all of that love. That means when I think about my Jesus I have an inexpressible joy. When I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I feel the full definition of a family; and I genuinely love each and every single one of them. I may not know their names, but I know that I love them, and that feels warm. Warmth is a good thing. I laugh a lot. Really, unless you're around me for any amount of time, you probably don't understand. I laugh a lot. And I giggle. I chuckle. Those are all different things. And sometimes tears fill my eyes when I do those things. I don't know why. Sometimes laughter isn't enough. It also means that my heart literally feels warm sometimes. I can't explain it any other way than that. When I say heart, I think I mean my spirit. I'm not sure. I'll work on understanding that. Obviously I'm not talking about my heart as in the muscle. Just bear with me.

There are a lot of other ways I think I could try to explain what I feel but I'm still trying to grasp what it is I'm talking about. Again, bear with me. Anis Mojgani. Look him up. He's incredible. Just do it. Anyway, there's a part of a poem he wrote and it's the best way that I know to explain where I am. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." That's what I realize I need to do. Let it go. My heart, my spirit, everything about myself, is free by the saving grace of Jesus. I am free. I have a free heart. I have a free spirit. Really. It's incredible. Jesus? You should seriously check that guy out. He's the real deal.

So now my heart, spirit, being, everything is free.  And it has been for a while now. Except not really because there has been something holding me back and that is myself. How ridiculous of me. My heart and spirit have been in the cage of me and all the while I've been lying to myself and saying that they were free. What does that mean? I've basically been saying "Oh yeah they're free, but I'm not letting them go." How ignorant. My heart wasn't full yet.

I've been seeking my Jesus and trying to hold onto everything He's been saying. A little this here and a little something there. He's been preparing me. My cloud is filling up. His love has been pouring over me for forever now, but it's just been lately, in the past few years, that I have tried to catch any of it in my cup of life. So, it would take a really long time to elaborate on my relationship with Him over the years with its "ups and downs" and how it was only me on that roller coaster and that He was just waiting for me to get over myself and step into His arms. Going into all of that would take a lot more patience than I think I will ever have.

Focusing on now. Here I am. I have all of this love and joy and I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it caged within me and harbored it as my own. It bounces around within me and gives me all of these unexplainable feelings that I love. Now I know that my heart is going to explode if I don't start putting it somewhere else, because I know for a fact that Jesus is going to keep pouring into me. I'm gonna have to unlock that cage and truly set my heart and spirit free. What do I do with this joy? Oh hey, here's a logical answer. It's something that I've been told all of my life to do. I'm just now getting it. I'm supposed to share it with people. I'm supposed to tell others about my Jesus so that they can have some of this joy too, because I can't harbor it all for myself. There's way too much.

Seems so simple. Makes so much sense. I'm just now getting it. So this is where the cloud finds itself breaking. No. Not breaking. It's letting go. My heart is sure. So now I let go. I really don't have any other choice because this joy and love is breaking through me whether I like it or not. This is how it's supposed to be. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." I am free. Welcome to the overflow. When it rains, it pours. Let it rain.