More.

I feel as if I should start by briefly stating that it's been a while since I've written or posted anything. Although that's obvious, sometimes people just feel like they need to state something and so they do.
This is one of those times.
Now onward to the heart of the matter: Encouragement from above.

Lately I've been in need of a lot of Jesus. (every day since forever) Today especially, I needed to see Him working. I needed encouragement. There are different reasons why, but the bottom line is that being human subjects us to feelings of inadequacy whenever our focus isn't 400% on Jesus. He is everything everything everything, and without Him I feel worthless. There's certainly a reason why one of the most famous hymns of all time rings "Till He appeared and the soul felt His worth." (side note, it is literally my favorite line ever) Alright..abandoning my rabbit trail.

Today I asked God to show Himself to me. I needed to see Him in action and I needed to get alone with Him; so I did what anyone else(no one) would do and I headed to McKay's. (okay, maybe I needed maps and words too) After I got my fill of meandering through countless aisles of abandoned books, sitting on the floor, head craned up towards the skyscrapers of countless bound words begging to be set free and turned over in one's mind, I reluctantly made my way to the part where they ask for the adoption money. I waited in line, with my unfortunately short stack of books (it was small enough to fit in one hand because college..and broke..and sad). I neared the front of the line and noticed a man scrounging for change to cover the last of his payment for the prized world atlas that weighed probably 80 lbs (I held it in my own hands just earlier and it was wonderful). I reached for my wallet to give whatever he lacked when I was interrupted by--"Next!" (one does not simply hold up a busy line at McKay's) I exchanged a greeting with my cashier, swiped plastic for my new found treasure, and heard the same man's cashier ask her coworker if she had 50 cents. To my delight, I was awaiting my receipt and still had my wallet out. "I've got it!" I handed two quarters to my cashier and asked her to pass it down. She smiled and commented that the act was very kind. At that point I was solely thankful that God allowed a second opportunity to help a fellow lover of knowledge. I had gotten everything that I asked for: to see God. He didn't have to allow that opportunity again, but He did and that meant the world to me(I believe giving is one of my love languages). My cashier was type type typing things on the register and said not to run off yet. I asked if there was a problem with my debit card being read (those pesky magnetic strips). She said that everything went through, but asked for me to wait. About 10 seconds later she handed me a store credit that totaled $1.00, smiled, and said "Sometimes kindness pays double."

I got my maps.

jwdioandfaubfubdjskjcs.........Jesus. Wow. I still can't get over Him today. I could go on and on about Him. If I started, I might not stop because I'd probably get all black preacher and hallelujah choir. That's always a sight.

Today I experienced God. He didn't have to show up for me, but He did. He didn't have anything to prove to me...but He did. He proved His faithfulness. Every day He proves this true. He is faithful. He is here. He is working.

I'm not sure the sweet cashier knew the depth of her actions. Tonight she served as the hands and feet of Jesus, and I was blessed to experience firsthand the truth that God is not short of resources and He is always exceedingly, abundantly more.

"Sometimes kindness pays double."

Spread the love.

A few good words.

My otherwise awful textbook, thus far, did have at least one nice thing to say:

"The Romantic love of nature is more than a taste for pretty scenery; it is an attempt to humanize nature, to replace humanity's view of itself as part of a machine, however well and benignly made, with a vision of the world as essentially an extension of the human soul." (Wilkie and Hurt 12)

This is nice.

No need for plagiarism:

Wilkie, Brian, and James Hurt. Literature of the Western World. 5th. 1. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Prentice Hall, 2001. 12. Print.

These days are good ones.

If I could bottle and sell these late-night moments of solitude, music, and painting, I promise that people would buy them.

holy holy holy.

His grace goes further still.

How wretched we are. The most recent headline on the news is a sure testifier to the condition of the world. Little children have been exchanged for a despair that only the peace of Jesus can supplement. So many people are hurting, angry, and proclaiming the need of a Savior. Hearts are stirred far and wide. The world cries out for revenge.

What grieves my heart even more than the tragedy is that it takes an event of this measure for Christians to even acknowledge the desperation of the world. This is what it takes for Christians to get on their knees and taste the heart of the God they claim to serve. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." That is one dangerous plea and I honestly believe that most don't understand the weight of it.

This catastrophe has made people angry, and it very well should. But if believers are out on the frontline with a heart of vengeance, then they don't look any different from everyone else. Where is the grace of Jesus that they received through faith?

My mind swarms with questions and my heart with feelings concerning the tragedy that took place today. From every angle you could possibly look at it, everything goes back to a need for Jesus.

One of the best ways I can express my heart is through these verses:

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service; even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy, because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." 1 Timothy 1:12-15 (NASB)

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;" Proverbs 25:21

If the men responsible for the devastation were thirsty, I would hope my brothers and sisters in Christ would give them something to drink.

We shouldn't be surprised that a broken world produces destruction. What was done is sickening, twisted, repulsive, and wrong on every level, but His grace goes further still.

Ode to the 14th: a moment of belonging.

I wrote the following paragraphs on the 14th of September. I found it today and decided to leave it unfinished, as it is. My struggles, condition of heart, and even experience of life on the 23rd is different from that of the 14th. I couldn't replicate exactly the way that I felt when I began writing this, and for me to even attempt that would be robbing myself and anyone who stumbles upon it from a genuine remembrance of that day. I would even say that the moment described below has further shaped my heart for this day. A lot can happen in 9 days. I'm weighing the empty feeling of unresolution against that of accidental distortion. Read on, my dear, it's all genuine from here:

"Lately I've been living out a feeling of un-belonging. I know that it's not going away soon because I am in a season of transition. I am here and living in one place while Jesus is preparing my heart, mind and being for somewhere and something else. It's going to be big. 5-6 months ago Jesus told me that this would be a year of preparation. Slowly and surely He is revealing what I'm being prepared for. It's fun and exciting but I'm not at that place yet and He's already taught me to live presently.

Surely we see the dilemma. Here I am. I'm living here, being prepared for there, getting excited, being told secrets by Jesus (which is thrilling), all the while I'm still called to live presently and in this moment and not miss anything now due the fact that the future is waving its arms in front of my face like it's trying to land a plane. Right. It's a little erratic. I hope these run-on sentences are wearing you out and further illustrating just how exhausting these thought patterns are.

I get caught up in trying so hard not to live in the future and to keep my focus on this moment and I'm saying "Jesus help me," all the time because I know there's no way I can do anything on my own. When it comes down to it, although my intentions are good, my problem is that my mind keeps zooming in on the chaos when my focus needs to be completely on Jesus. I get lost in trying so hard and I completely forget to rest.

Today I rested. I hung my hammock and Jesus held me. The weather was a perfect overcast. The wind was blowing over me and little leaves were falling all around. My heart was still and I was close to Jesus. I crave moments like the one I had today. A moment of completeness. I wanted to stay there forever.

Right when I thought it couldn't get any better the sun broke through the clouds, warmed my face, and I knew that God was smiling at me."

The end.
Right in the midst of a smiling God seems like a nice place to remain anyway.

Seven might be a holy number.

Most of the time I'm restless.
Even if I seem calm there's a million things going through my mind. Partially because I don't keep a day planner. That's a whole other story though and 9.5 out of 10 times I always remember. Anyway, I'm restless. Always looking to the future and trying organize what that will look like...even though I'm go with the flow and don't plan things anyway. At all. And one could call me unorganized. Not exactly. I'm just scattered. It's different. So we can say I'm a dreamer. Perfect word. Even though I'm super realistic. My problem is that I don't make sense.

I stay busy. All the time. When I'm not busy I'm restless. I feel like I am only content to sit when I'm having one-on-one time with someone because I believe quality time to be worth more than the purest of gold. It's probably one of my love languages.

I don't plan for tomorrow or next week. I plan for seasons. For example: Fall I'm taking these classes, Spring I'm taking these, I will be here for this holiday, and I plan to do this over the Summer. Oh wait...that was my problem. Lord, what do You want to do with my summer?

Long story short, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to be home. I thought that meant America. So I ruled out overseas mission trips, which was extremely hard. My heart is not here. I ruled out working at an out of state camp because Texas is not my home. Tennessee must be. So when I was presented with an opportunity to work at a camp within the great Volunteer State I was thrilled and my heart was conflicted. I didn't understand. Over a period of time I had a battle going on inside of my heart and my mind didn't know what to do. So I procrastinated.

Last night I finally began filling out the application because it was due in 4 days. Haha deadlines. I don't generally forget them. When I got to the question that asked why I was applying to work at that place I came to a crater in my confidence. I felt very alone and confused for the smallest fraction of a second, yet I can recall the feeling as if it had lasted an eternity. I honestly could not force myself to write that I felt God leading me there. So I skipped the question and began finishing the forever long form.

Obviously I would be faced with the question again. How juvenile of myself to believe that it would have been anything less than it was upon a second return. It was the same question. The way that I felt facing something without God having my back was terrible enough for me to cease filling out the form and do some serious soul searching.

 I wasn't sure what home was. I thought home was an area. Not at all. Last night I learned what home is and what it is not. My home is not America. My home is not Chattanooga. My home is not even the place that I sleep every night. My home is the people that I love the most.

To summarize everything that I have explained and all the more that I have not, I knew God had work for me at home this summer. I didn't listen to the whole "home" thing very well. Opportunities kept throwing themselves at me and they were all absolutely fantastic, but I was confused. After seven pages of a not so wasted camp application, a seven page text to organize my thoughts, and more than a few light bulbs shining with the light of seven suns inside my head and my heart, my summer was decided.

Last night, March 27th, 2012, marked the start of a new season in my life. It even has a theme. Be still. That's my theme. There's a few verses for it. You can find them in the Bible. Anyway, I like to look ahead and plan for seasons. So what will I be doing this season? Learning to be still. Be still. Be still.

So summer....what shall I do....drumroll......ba da ba da ba da ba da ba daaaa....
This summer I will be loving on my family, my friends, my church, and my city. I love these people and these people are my home. I will remain where I am and wake up to God's adventure for me every day. It's gonna be wild. I'm way excited. But I will only be able to have the wild and the unexpected thrills of a new day planned by my Love if I continually choose to be still.

Seven pages of paper, seven pages of a text, seven suns of God's glory shining down in my life.
Seven might really be a holy number.

I am a cloud.

Rain rain rain.

I hear the drips and the drops dancing outside my window. There was a cloud. Somewhere there was a cloud. This cloud went on a journey and picked a little something up here and another little something up over there and eventually it got to a place where it had to let it all go. It couldn't hold on any longer. In my heart I don't know what to believe. I don't know if this cloud finally burst or if it just let these things go. My heart doesn't know. Tonight it rains.

This could easily be a dark post with streaks of light towards the last few paragraphs. A post that says I held on to baggage for so long and now I'm letting it go via tears. There are lots of posts like that. I believe it could be that, but I know that it is not. It is about my heart. Oh, my heart, it is full of joy. I am a cloud. I've been on a journey, picking up something here and little something there about my Jesus. He's slowly been filling my heart with His love and His joy for the past 17 years. From the day that I was born and began thrashing about in my sin nature He loved me. Even before then. Before I was single cell He loved me. Before my grandparents were able to walk or crawl He loved me and He desired me. Well, now my heart can't hold all of that love.

What does that even mean? I'm figuring it out. I think I know the answer. I'll tell you what it looks like. My heart can't hold all of that love. That means when I think about my Jesus I have an inexpressible joy. When I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I feel the full definition of a family; and I genuinely love each and every single one of them. I may not know their names, but I know that I love them, and that feels warm. Warmth is a good thing. I laugh a lot. Really, unless you're around me for any amount of time, you probably don't understand. I laugh a lot. And I giggle. I chuckle. Those are all different things. And sometimes tears fill my eyes when I do those things. I don't know why. Sometimes laughter isn't enough. It also means that my heart literally feels warm sometimes. I can't explain it any other way than that. When I say heart, I think I mean my spirit. I'm not sure. I'll work on understanding that. Obviously I'm not talking about my heart as in the muscle. Just bear with me.

There are a lot of other ways I think I could try to explain what I feel but I'm still trying to grasp what it is I'm talking about. Again, bear with me. Anis Mojgani. Look him up. He's incredible. Just do it. Anyway, there's a part of a poem he wrote and it's the best way that I know to explain where I am. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." That's what I realize I need to do. Let it go. My heart, my spirit, everything about myself, is free by the saving grace of Jesus. I am free. I have a free heart. I have a free spirit. Really. It's incredible. Jesus? You should seriously check that guy out. He's the real deal.

So now my heart, spirit, being, everything is free.  And it has been for a while now. Except not really because there has been something holding me back and that is myself. How ridiculous of me. My heart and spirit have been in the cage of me and all the while I've been lying to myself and saying that they were free. What does that mean? I've basically been saying "Oh yeah they're free, but I'm not letting them go." How ignorant. My heart wasn't full yet.

I've been seeking my Jesus and trying to hold onto everything He's been saying. A little this here and a little something there. He's been preparing me. My cloud is filling up. His love has been pouring over me for forever now, but it's just been lately, in the past few years, that I have tried to catch any of it in my cup of life. So, it would take a really long time to elaborate on my relationship with Him over the years with its "ups and downs" and how it was only me on that roller coaster and that He was just waiting for me to get over myself and step into His arms. Going into all of that would take a lot more patience than I think I will ever have.

Focusing on now. Here I am. I have all of this love and joy and I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it caged within me and harbored it as my own. It bounces around within me and gives me all of these unexplainable feelings that I love. Now I know that my heart is going to explode if I don't start putting it somewhere else, because I know for a fact that Jesus is going to keep pouring into me. I'm gonna have to unlock that cage and truly set my heart and spirit free. What do I do with this joy? Oh hey, here's a logical answer. It's something that I've been told all of my life to do. I'm just now getting it. I'm supposed to share it with people. I'm supposed to tell others about my Jesus so that they can have some of this joy too, because I can't harbor it all for myself. There's way too much.

Seems so simple. Makes so much sense. I'm just now getting it. So this is where the cloud finds itself breaking. No. Not breaking. It's letting go. My heart is sure. So now I let go. I really don't have any other choice because this joy and love is breaking through me whether I like it or not. This is how it's supposed to be. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." I am free. Welcome to the overflow. When it rains, it pours. Let it rain.

You got growin' up to do.

Growing up.

I have heard much about it from the time I began understanding a language and transplanting information from short-term to a space of a greater capacity within the depths of my mind. People enjoy discussing it, as if they understand what it requires of them; as if they understand what it demands of others. The idea is familiar to me. Grow up. This means I will be able to claim more inches. I only wish. Surprise surprise. Maximum height is not equivalent to growing up. I'm not sure anyone every completes the process. Growing up means something different for everyone. I believe that everyone has problems and pitfalls that may be eliminated by growing up. 1 Corinthians 13:11(NLT) "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." NAS says "..when I became a man, I did away with childish things." So, we have one way to define growing up. Maybe we should all become men. Too bad God created a second gender and liked it that way. Am I taking this out of context? No, I'm being abstract. Or maybe I'm being difficult and ridiculous. Probably. But mostly I'm taking it out of context. Bear with me.

At this point in my life, for me personally, growing up is meaning a lot of things. It is meaning to respect my authority in all circumstances. Check out Romans 13. A whole chapter dedicated to people having a problem with authority. God knew we'd need that chapter. Read it more than once. Authority. Respect. Respect when I believe they are being rash, ludicrous, or, when I simply do not understand. This doesn't single-out parents. This means teachers, bosses, leaders, and government too. I know that God selected these people to fill a position in my life. In respecting them, I am respecting God. Otherwise I am living out verse 3 of Obadiah, and screaming in the face of my Creator. (3)The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock, in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, "Who will bring me down to the ground?" News flash: God will. Oh hey, there's a verse for that. What's that? It just happens to be verse 4? (4)Though you soar aloft like the eagle , though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the Lord. Alright, I believe it necessary to draw attention to the fact that the Lord declares this. Don't mess with Him. Repect His plan.

Growing up is also meaning that college is near. Friends and families and families of friends and friends of those people and their families and their friends and basically everyone I know is nearing a fork in their little life road. Some friends have already left and others have little time until they move. In all honesty, this is the part that freaks me out the most. The realization that you are not a small child going through the motions of play anymore is unsettling. I don't want to grow up...but I do..but I don't....but really I do. This back and forth thought process is likely to cause motion sickness. Do not throw up in public. That is unattractive.

As I am learning about life and growing up I am realizing that nothing here is certain. I am realizing that all I can hold to is Jesus. Growing up comes in like a tornado. There are warnings, but let's get real: it's going to happen, regardless. So the tornado comes and picks everything up that you have. It takes it all, throws it around for a bit, causes a fair amount of damage, and then sets everything nicely back where it was found. Yeah right. The pieces of your life are now all over the world. Good luck finding them. So right now I'm being warned about this tornado and I know that it's out of my control. I don't know where my pieces will end up or if I'll ever find them again. I am okay with that. Really? Am I? Obviously that is a bold statement. It can't be true. Uhm, yes it can. Last time I checked, everything is possible with God. I didn't come to this point in my walk overnight. It has taken a long time and more doubt than I would like to admit. However, I can honestly say that I am okay with the aftermath of the tornado. People say that God is all they need, but I'm not sure that they ever fully fully fully believe it. I didn't. I've said my entire life that "God is in control." It was halfheartedly that I stated this. I didn't really trust God enough to say "take it all away." This time I'm serious. Take it all and give me more Jesus. I'm perfectly fine with that.


So basically I'm saying that my walk with God is perfect in every way and nothing will ever change that. Ha, wrong-o. What I am saying is that I trust Him. There will still be moments of second-guessing. I am sure of this. I am human. I am weak. I am learning. When your main focus is Jesus and you are going after Him with everything you possess, you will not be afraid. I am not afraid. This world has nothing for me. Give me Jesus. Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I laugh and I giggle a lot. I do not fear the future. I would like to think that I am one tiny step further to becoming the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband, and ultimately for my Jesus.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

If you read all of this, I thank you and I applaud you. Reading is something of a lost art and you just demonstrated that there is hope for finding it again. Farewell, young heart.
Title inspired song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLVbp3JqlrU

Come Friday

Curtain drenched in sunset.

Today I am tired. 

My eyes reek of fatigue and plead for rest.

Wake up little eyes, you have work to do. 

Please focus.

Shed the blur. 

Dress yourselves in clarity.

Little eyes, be alert!

Refrain from wandering.

I need you here. 

Little eyes, be careful.

Rose-colored glasses are deceptive.

Undesirable attire. 

Do not be fooled.  

Fix yourselves on things unseen.

A scavenger hunt for the eternal. 

Cleanse yourselves with purity.

Relief is on the way.

Little eyes, one more thing:

Turn to Jesus.

If tomorrow is Friday...

Then that makes today.....beautiful.

The Seventh of the Second Month

Waiting for summer.

Today.
How beautiful.
Minimal amount of sleep.
3 hour lab.
The vortex mixer machine thing.
^^Made me so happy.
Lots of lab giggles.
Much joy.
Jesus overwhelms me.
Hallway lunches with beautiful friends.
2 exams now behind me.
Gone forever.
Home alas.
Extreme fatigue.
Yard full of sunshine.
Homework awaits me.
Like a dreaded elixir that will be of benefit.
I must face it.
In due time effort will be valued.
You reap what you sow.
Sow thoroughly.
I will.
Rain comes later.
Say yes to thai<3
Joy still overflows.
Today is beautiful.

As oxygen is to your lungs, so time is to the world.

Time.

To define it..

Let's not. 

Definition would expire.

It cannot keep up.

Time never stops.

It moves fast.

It moves slow.

A definition would be a snapshot. 

A snapshot from the past.

Instantly old. 

We must describe it.

Time is personal. 

Time is universal.

Everyone has time. 

Different amounts.

None the same. 

Do not waste it.

You need to be told once more.

Do not waste it.

I beg you.

Time is precious.

You are granted no more time than what you possess right now.

Additions aren't an option. 

Extra time composes the air.

Oxygen.

You need this.

Remember.

Breathe.

Time is fickle. 

You cannot predict it.

Time is its own master.

It makes the rules.

Everyone follows.

The world is lost without it.

As oxygen is to your lungs, so time is to the world.

Time is big.

Do not be afraid of time.

It has no authority over you. 

But time rules the world, you say.

Read your own words.

Oh child, you do not understand. 

Time does rule the world.

Indeed, it does.

I am sure of it.

You make no sense.

Listen. 

I have something to tell you. 

Listen.

You are not of this world.

This world is dark.

You, my child.

You are of Light.

Oh, how great is this news!

I do not understand.

Listen to Me.

Why are you celebrating?

You make no sense. 

Listen, my child. 

Your words. 

They are too many.

Meaningless speech.

Listen to me.

Take heart.

Whose heart?

For I have overcome the world. 

Have you forgotten time?

You make no sense. 

My child.

Listen to me. 

But you make no sense.

It is merely that you do not understand.

If only you would listen.

Please listen.

I will try. 

Forgive my distracted mind.

Focus, my child. 

Focus on Me.

Listen.

I have overcome the world. 

From beginning to end.

I have overcome it. 

Do you know what lies between beginning and end?

Do not answer.

Only listen.

I will tell you.

Time.

It fills the gap.

I have overcome it. 

You have me.

You are mine. 

I am greater.

You now understand.

This news! 

It is good!

My heart.

It rejoices.

We celebrate!

We celebrate! 

May I ask you something?

Please ask Me. 

Where is time now?

It is underneath my feet.

I do not understand.

Without time...

What is there?

Eternity. 

I do not understand.

You were not created to.

What do I do?

Trust me.

Do you trust me?

I do.

God chose me.

Tonight was the candlelight service at church.
The traditional Christmas Eve:
Get the fam to church, sing some Christmas songs, light a candle, go home.
For me it wasn't so traditional this year.
God really spoke to me.
I believe it had everything to do with me choosing to listen.
Rather than grudgingly singing Christmas songs, I listened to them.
I savored every word.
Let me tell you this:
that's some good stuff.

Pastor Tony then spoke and identified us, as normal people, with the shepherds.
He said that they were outcasts.
They were outsiders and began to act that way by living ungodly lives.
We are the shepherds.
He didn't stop there, leave us feeling gross, and send us home though.
The last time I checked every nativity scene has a couple shepherds hanging around.
They didn't just decide to drop in because they heard a kid crying.
They were chosen.
God shined a light down from heaven and He chose them.
They followed His light and were lead to a King.
I've heard many times that we are like the shepherds blah blah.
But tonight, I listened.

A video was played that showed the journey of Mary & Joseph.
It showed the journey of the wisemen.
It also showed the journey of the shepherds.
That's us.
There was a part in the video where it showed the star shining its light down to the shepherds.
It was simple and powerful.
I am so undeserving.
My Jesus is so great.
All I am is a nasty, gross, disgusting, terrible shepherd.
God said, "I chose you."
I cried.

We are shepherds.
We are gross.
God chose us.
Why wouldn't we make our journey and follow Him?
Would we not want to leave our sheepish baggage for something greater?
I don't understand why we want to hang around in the fields.
God chose us.
We should be more than happy to follow the light God shines for us.
It's a journey for sure.
An adventure.
It'll be hard.
But He'll guide you the entire way.
The end of our journey is the best part.
We meet our King.
Our Lord.
God.
Jesus.
Follow Him now.
God chose you.

Obviously there were candles involved in the "candlelight service"
They were bright.
When all were lit the sanctuary was glowing in a beautiful way and we sang Silent Night.
So many candles.
It was glorious.
Our God is glorious.
We may have thought that our candles were bright but this is where it gets better:
The glory of God shines brighter than 10,000 suns.
Wow.

"And the shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told to them." Luke 2:20

Worship Him this Christmas.

Aquariums are nifty.

Yesterday I embarked on an adventure with my family.
We went to the aquarium.
As always, it was magical.
It looked a little like this:

Parties of Pomegranate.

Last night two best friends and I had a pomegranate party.
How does one have such a party?
This is how: 

cards&snuggles

Recipe for a Pomegranate Party:

• get friends. you need these.
• Papa Murphy's Pizza. Mighty Murphy's...no.
• hang with extended fam...(optional)
• visit friend while babysitting. deliver pizza&pomegranate. meet kids. 
• immaturely jump out of car. run after friends car. you need the exercise. 
• back home. eat pomegranate seeds. main event. party isn't over yet. 
• sing along to Disney songs on the wii. add your own solo if you're feelin it. reach for the stars.
• make hot chocolate and russian tea to soothe the now worked vocal chords. 
• play Harry Potter Uno. get too competitive with self-made rules. dumbleeedoreeee. 
• watch Hot Rod. #win
• "go to bed"-bash each others hopes, dreams, and personality types.
• sleep
• daylight donuts. yes. thank you, Jamie. 

This is all you need. Enjoy. 

Days of blur.

Last night was the first night to myself in far too long.

A night without: 

an assignment 

the promised schedule of the following day 

an obligation

the only chance I'll be able to sleep for a while

ect.

Last night never really ended.

The morning came without a defining moment that was blaring in my sleeping ears that a new day had begun.

Last night was for me. 

My evening began with the best Christmas present I have ever recieved:                                                                                                                                                          

 A letter of gratitude. 

A Christmas tree.

And the face of a boy that I love.

At the site of these I began to weep. I can't tell you when the last time was that I cried like I did when I received these things.

I hated myself for 

where I was

what I had

and that I have wanted more.

I hated myself because I was here in America.

sitting on my bed.

in front of my laptop.

surrounded by my possessions.

and he was there.

Jesus calmed me. 

He says that Lesther is as much as His child as I am and that he does not show favoritism among His children.

Lesther is in the hand of my Jesus. 

Just like me.

And God has Him where He has Him for a reason. 

This is one of the biggest challenges of my faith:

to trust God's justness. 

My mind was not meant to understand it and this is where my faith steps in. 

Still a challenge.

The night went on. 

It was wonderful.

I cleaned my room

did two loads of laundry 

I read

and I looked forward to coffee with a dear friend at 5:30 am.

I have yet to mention my favorite part of the night.

Or morning.

I couldn't tell the difference.

It was when I painted. 

I painted my walls. 

Not all of them. 

Just enough....for now.

I painted flowers.

Two kinds:

first were the flowers of my imagination

and second, a small garden of flowers more likely to be seen by others and not just myself. 

Although the memories of this may wander from my mind..

this night.morning.time. will not be forgotten by my walls. 

This night was when my walls made friends with flowers.

How could they forget a new friend that never ceases to dance upon their surface..

4:30 rolled around and I had the pleasure of a long and hot shower.

I later found myself at around 5:30:

I was at Starbucks

sitting with a friend

drinking coffee

enjoying his company

his stories of Jesus

and a warm scone that we "waited so long for"

we talked and we laughed 

we shared truth and life

and the best part was when we prayed.

that is always the best part.

we parted ways.

7:30 am found me:

still at Starbucks

sitting on a couch

on the patio

in front of the fire

watching the rain.

I went home and finally slept around 8am.

Not for long though

A movie-date was waiting on me

I watched

I rested

I loved. 

between the end of this time and now I find a blur. 

I don't remember much from the daylight.

I babysit now

Oh the joy of children

They are beautiful

It is dark again.

I put them to bed. 

"Can I sleep in my chloset?"

Tonight, yes you can. 

Only because I cannot find it in me to say no to your simple, adventurous request.

It's quiet now.

Night lives on.

Today is freedom.

One semester behind me. Forever.

These past few months have pushed me to my limit so many times.
And so many times I have broken.
Let the floodgates open because here comes my weakness. 
That was me. 

So many times I let this world get under my skin. 
But in the end my Jesus always says:

“Take heart, for I have overcome the world.” 

and He has. 
He overcame this semester and here I am.
I sit on my bed taking in the ethereal concept of days full of:
sleep
crafting
friends
enjoying my family
books
days and nights of relaxation
movie-dates
coffee-dates
thrifting
crafting
Christmas
nothing
pleasure
crafting
crafting
crafting
lastly,
soaking up the rest. the joy. the peace. the comfort. of my Jesus<3
We made it through this together. 
Here I am, world.
Closer to my Jesus than before.
You have not won. 
I am free.