How wretched we are. The most recent headline on the news is a sure testifier to the condition of the world. Little children have been exchanged for a despair that only the peace of Jesus can supplement. So many people are hurting, angry, and proclaiming the need of a Savior. Hearts are stirred far and wide. The world cries out for revenge.
What grieves my heart even more than the tragedy is that it takes an event of this measure for Christians to even acknowledge the desperation of the world. This is what it takes for Christians to get on their knees and taste the heart of the God they claim to serve. "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." That is one dangerous plea and I honestly believe that most don't understand the weight of it.
This catastrophe has made people angry, and it very well should. But if believers are out on the frontline with a heart of vengeance, then they don't look any different from everyone else. Where is the grace of Jesus that they received through faith?
My mind swarms with questions and my heart with feelings concerning the tragedy that took place today. From every angle you could possibly look at it, everything goes back to a need for Jesus.
One of the best ways I can express my heart is through these verses:
"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service; even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. And yet I was shown mercy, because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." 1 Timothy 1:12-15 (NASB)
"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;" Proverbs 25:21
If the men responsible for the devastation were thirsty, I would hope my brothers and sisters in Christ would give them something to drink.
We shouldn't be surprised that a broken world produces destruction. What was done is sickening, twisted, repulsive, and wrong on every level, but His grace goes further still.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Ode to the 14th: a moment of belonging.
I wrote the following paragraphs on the 14th of September. I found it today and decided to leave it unfinished, as it is. My struggles, condition of heart, and even experience of life on the 23rd is different from that of the 14th. I couldn't replicate exactly the way that I felt when I began writing this, and for me to even attempt that would be robbing myself and anyone who stumbles upon it from a genuine remembrance of that day. I would even say that the moment described below has further shaped my heart for this day. A lot can happen in 9 days. I'm weighing the empty feeling of unresolution against that of accidental distortion. Read on, my dear, it's all genuine from here:
"Lately I've been living out a feeling of un-belonging. I know that it's not going away soon because I am in a season of transition. I am here and living in one place while Jesus is preparing my heart, mind and being for somewhere and something else. It's going to be big. 5-6 months ago Jesus told me that this would be a year of preparation. Slowly and surely He is revealing what I'm being prepared for. It's fun and exciting but I'm not at that place yet and He's already taught me to live presently.
Surely we see the dilemma. Here I am. I'm living here, being prepared for there, getting excited, being told secrets by Jesus (which is thrilling), all the while I'm still called to live presently and in this moment and not miss anything now due the fact that the future is waving its arms in front of my face like it's trying to land a plane. Right. It's a little erratic. I hope these run-on sentences are wearing you out and further illustrating just how exhausting these thought patterns are.
I get caught up in trying so hard not to live in the future and to keep my focus on this moment and I'm saying "Jesus help me," all the time because I know there's no way I can do anything on my own. When it comes down to it, although my intentions are good, my problem is that my mind keeps zooming in on the chaos when my focus needs to be completely on Jesus. I get lost in trying so hard and I completely forget to rest.
Today I rested. I hung my hammock and Jesus held me. The weather was a perfect overcast. The wind was blowing over me and little leaves were falling all around. My heart was still and I was close to Jesus. I crave moments like the one I had today. A moment of completeness. I wanted to stay there forever.
Right when I thought it couldn't get any better the sun broke through the clouds, warmed my face, and I knew that God was smiling at me."
The end.
Right in the midst of a smiling God seems like a nice place to remain anyway.
"Lately I've been living out a feeling of un-belonging. I know that it's not going away soon because I am in a season of transition. I am here and living in one place while Jesus is preparing my heart, mind and being for somewhere and something else. It's going to be big. 5-6 months ago Jesus told me that this would be a year of preparation. Slowly and surely He is revealing what I'm being prepared for. It's fun and exciting but I'm not at that place yet and He's already taught me to live presently.
Surely we see the dilemma. Here I am. I'm living here, being prepared for there, getting excited, being told secrets by Jesus (which is thrilling), all the while I'm still called to live presently and in this moment and not miss anything now due the fact that the future is waving its arms in front of my face like it's trying to land a plane. Right. It's a little erratic. I hope these run-on sentences are wearing you out and further illustrating just how exhausting these thought patterns are.
I get caught up in trying so hard not to live in the future and to keep my focus on this moment and I'm saying "Jesus help me," all the time because I know there's no way I can do anything on my own. When it comes down to it, although my intentions are good, my problem is that my mind keeps zooming in on the chaos when my focus needs to be completely on Jesus. I get lost in trying so hard and I completely forget to rest.
Today I rested. I hung my hammock and Jesus held me. The weather was a perfect overcast. The wind was blowing over me and little leaves were falling all around. My heart was still and I was close to Jesus. I crave moments like the one I had today. A moment of completeness. I wanted to stay there forever.
Right when I thought it couldn't get any better the sun broke through the clouds, warmed my face, and I knew that God was smiling at me."
The end.
Right in the midst of a smiling God seems like a nice place to remain anyway.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Seven might be a holy number.
Most of the time I'm restless.
Even if I seem calm there's a million things going through my mind. Partially because I don't keep a day planner. That's a whole other story though and 9.5 out of 10 times I always remember. Anyway, I'm restless. Always looking to the future and trying organize what that will look like...even though I'm go with the flow and don't plan things anyway. At all. And one could call me unorganized. Not exactly. I'm just scattered. It's different. So we can say I'm a dreamer. Perfect word. Even though I'm super realistic. My problem is that I don't make sense.
I stay busy. All the time. When I'm not busy I'm restless. I feel like I am only content to sit when I'm having one-on-one time with someone because I believe quality time to be worth more than the purest of gold. It's probably one of my love languages.
I don't plan for tomorrow or next week. I plan for seasons. For example: Fall I'm taking these classes, Spring I'm taking these, I will be here for this holiday, and I plan to do this over the Summer. Oh wait...that was my problem. Lord, what do You want to do with my summer?
Long story short, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to be home. I thought that meant America. So I ruled out overseas mission trips, which was extremely hard. My heart is not here. I ruled out working at an out of state camp because Texas is not my home. Tennessee must be. So when I was presented with an opportunity to work at a camp within the great Volunteer State I was thrilled and my heart was conflicted. I didn't understand. Over a period of time I had a battle going on inside of my heart and my mind didn't know what to do. So I procrastinated.
Last night I finally began filling out the application because it was due in 4 days. Haha deadlines. I don't generally forget them. When I got to the question that asked why I was applying to work at that place I came to a crater in my confidence. I felt very alone and confused for the smallest fraction of a second, yet I can recall the feeling as if it had lasted an eternity. I honestly could not force myself to write that I felt God leading me there. So I skipped the question and began finishing the forever long form.
Obviously I would be faced with the question again. How juvenile of myself to believe that it would have been anything less than it was upon a second return. It was the same question. The way that I felt facing something without God having my back was terrible enough for me to cease filling out the form and do some serious soul searching.
I wasn't sure what home was. I thought home was an area. Not at all. Last night I learned what home is and what it is not. My home is not America. My home is not Chattanooga. My home is not even the place that I sleep every night. My home is the people that I love the most.
To summarize everything that I have explained and all the more that I have not, I knew God had work for me at home this summer. I didn't listen to the whole "home" thing very well. Opportunities kept throwing themselves at me and they were all absolutely fantastic, but I was confused. After seven pages of a not so wasted camp application, a seven page text to organize my thoughts, and more than a few light bulbs shining with the light of seven suns inside my head and my heart, my summer was decided.
Last night, March 27th, 2012, marked the start of a new season in my life. It even has a theme. Be still. That's my theme. There's a few verses for it. You can find them in the Bible. Anyway, I like to look ahead and plan for seasons. So what will I be doing this season? Learning to be still. Be still. Be still.
So summer....what shall I do....drumroll......ba da ba da ba da ba da ba daaaa....
This summer I will be loving on my family, my friends, my church, and my city. I love these people and these people are my home. I will remain where I am and wake up to God's adventure for me every day. It's gonna be wild. I'm way excited. But I will only be able to have the wild and the unexpected thrills of a new day planned by my Love if I continually choose to be still.
Seven pages of paper, seven pages of a text, seven suns of God's glory shining down in my life.
Seven might really be a holy number.
Even if I seem calm there's a million things going through my mind. Partially because I don't keep a day planner. That's a whole other story though and 9.5 out of 10 times I always remember. Anyway, I'm restless. Always looking to the future and trying organize what that will look like...even though I'm go with the flow and don't plan things anyway. At all. And one could call me unorganized. Not exactly. I'm just scattered. It's different. So we can say I'm a dreamer. Perfect word. Even though I'm super realistic. My problem is that I don't make sense.
I stay busy. All the time. When I'm not busy I'm restless. I feel like I am only content to sit when I'm having one-on-one time with someone because I believe quality time to be worth more than the purest of gold. It's probably one of my love languages.
I don't plan for tomorrow or next week. I plan for seasons. For example: Fall I'm taking these classes, Spring I'm taking these, I will be here for this holiday, and I plan to do this over the Summer. Oh wait...that was my problem. Lord, what do You want to do with my summer?
Long story short, I knew in my heart that God wanted me to be home. I thought that meant America. So I ruled out overseas mission trips, which was extremely hard. My heart is not here. I ruled out working at an out of state camp because Texas is not my home. Tennessee must be. So when I was presented with an opportunity to work at a camp within the great Volunteer State I was thrilled and my heart was conflicted. I didn't understand. Over a period of time I had a battle going on inside of my heart and my mind didn't know what to do. So I procrastinated.
Last night I finally began filling out the application because it was due in 4 days. Haha deadlines. I don't generally forget them. When I got to the question that asked why I was applying to work at that place I came to a crater in my confidence. I felt very alone and confused for the smallest fraction of a second, yet I can recall the feeling as if it had lasted an eternity. I honestly could not force myself to write that I felt God leading me there. So I skipped the question and began finishing the forever long form.
Obviously I would be faced with the question again. How juvenile of myself to believe that it would have been anything less than it was upon a second return. It was the same question. The way that I felt facing something without God having my back was terrible enough for me to cease filling out the form and do some serious soul searching.
I wasn't sure what home was. I thought home was an area. Not at all. Last night I learned what home is and what it is not. My home is not America. My home is not Chattanooga. My home is not even the place that I sleep every night. My home is the people that I love the most.
To summarize everything that I have explained and all the more that I have not, I knew God had work for me at home this summer. I didn't listen to the whole "home" thing very well. Opportunities kept throwing themselves at me and they were all absolutely fantastic, but I was confused. After seven pages of a not so wasted camp application, a seven page text to organize my thoughts, and more than a few light bulbs shining with the light of seven suns inside my head and my heart, my summer was decided.
Last night, March 27th, 2012, marked the start of a new season in my life. It even has a theme. Be still. That's my theme. There's a few verses for it. You can find them in the Bible. Anyway, I like to look ahead and plan for seasons. So what will I be doing this season? Learning to be still. Be still. Be still.
So summer....what shall I do....drumroll......ba da ba da ba da ba da ba daaaa....
This summer I will be loving on my family, my friends, my church, and my city. I love these people and these people are my home. I will remain where I am and wake up to God's adventure for me every day. It's gonna be wild. I'm way excited. But I will only be able to have the wild and the unexpected thrills of a new day planned by my Love if I continually choose to be still.
Seven pages of paper, seven pages of a text, seven suns of God's glory shining down in my life.
Seven might really be a holy number.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I am a cloud.
Rain rain rain.
I hear the drips and the drops dancing outside my window. There was a cloud. Somewhere there was a cloud. This cloud went on a journey and picked a little something up here and another little something up over there and eventually it got to a place where it had to let it all go. It couldn't hold on any longer. In my heart I don't know what to believe. I don't know if this cloud finally burst or if it just let these things go. My heart doesn't know. Tonight it rains.
This could easily be a dark post with streaks of light towards the last few paragraphs. A post that says I held on to baggage for so long and now I'm letting it go via tears. There are lots of posts like that. I believe it could be that, but I know that it is not. It is about my heart. Oh, my heart, it is full of joy. I am a cloud. I've been on a journey, picking up something here and little something there about my Jesus. He's slowly been filling my heart with His love and His joy for the past 17 years. From the day that I was born and began thrashing about in my sin nature He loved me. Even before then. Before I was single cell He loved me. Before my grandparents were able to walk or crawl He loved me and He desired me. Well, now my heart can't hold all of that love.
What does that even mean? I'm figuring it out. I think I know the answer. I'll tell you what it looks like. My heart can't hold all of that love. That means when I think about my Jesus I have an inexpressible joy. When I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I feel the full definition of a family; and I genuinely love each and every single one of them. I may not know their names, but I know that I love them, and that feels warm. Warmth is a good thing. I laugh a lot. Really, unless you're around me for any amount of time, you probably don't understand. I laugh a lot. And I giggle. I chuckle. Those are all different things. And sometimes tears fill my eyes when I do those things. I don't know why. Sometimes laughter isn't enough. It also means that my heart literally feels warm sometimes. I can't explain it any other way than that. When I say heart, I think I mean my spirit. I'm not sure. I'll work on understanding that. Obviously I'm not talking about my heart as in the muscle. Just bear with me.
There are a lot of other ways I think I could try to explain what I feel but I'm still trying to grasp what it is I'm talking about. Again, bear with me. Anis Mojgani. Look him up. He's incredible. Just do it. Anyway, there's a part of a poem he wrote and it's the best way that I know to explain where I am. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." That's what I realize I need to do. Let it go. My heart, my spirit, everything about myself, is free by the saving grace of Jesus. I am free. I have a free heart. I have a free spirit. Really. It's incredible. Jesus? You should seriously check that guy out. He's the real deal.
So now my heart, spirit, being, everything is free. And it has been for a while now. Except not really because there has been something holding me back and that is myself. How ridiculous of me. My heart and spirit have been in the cage of me and all the while I've been lying to myself and saying that they were free. What does that mean? I've basically been saying "Oh yeah they're free, but I'm not letting them go." How ignorant. My heart wasn't full yet.
I've been seeking my Jesus and trying to hold onto everything He's been saying. A little this here and a little something there. He's been preparing me. My cloud is filling up. His love has been pouring over me for forever now, but it's just been lately, in the past few years, that I have tried to catch any of it in my cup of life. So, it would take a really long time to elaborate on my relationship with Him over the years with its "ups and downs" and how it was only me on that roller coaster and that He was just waiting for me to get over myself and step into His arms. Going into all of that would take a lot more patience than I think I will ever have.
Focusing on now. Here I am. I have all of this love and joy and I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it caged within me and harbored it as my own. It bounces around within me and gives me all of these unexplainable feelings that I love. Now I know that my heart is going to explode if I don't start putting it somewhere else, because I know for a fact that Jesus is going to keep pouring into me. I'm gonna have to unlock that cage and truly set my heart and spirit free. What do I do with this joy? Oh hey, here's a logical answer. It's something that I've been told all of my life to do. I'm just now getting it. I'm supposed to share it with people. I'm supposed to tell others about my Jesus so that they can have some of this joy too, because I can't harbor it all for myself. There's way too much.
Seems so simple. Makes so much sense. I'm just now getting it. So this is where the cloud finds itself breaking. No. Not breaking. It's letting go. My heart is sure. So now I let go. I really don't have any other choice because this joy and love is breaking through me whether I like it or not. This is how it's supposed to be. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." I am free. Welcome to the overflow. When it rains, it pours. Let it rain.
I hear the drips and the drops dancing outside my window. There was a cloud. Somewhere there was a cloud. This cloud went on a journey and picked a little something up here and another little something up over there and eventually it got to a place where it had to let it all go. It couldn't hold on any longer. In my heart I don't know what to believe. I don't know if this cloud finally burst or if it just let these things go. My heart doesn't know. Tonight it rains.
This could easily be a dark post with streaks of light towards the last few paragraphs. A post that says I held on to baggage for so long and now I'm letting it go via tears. There are lots of posts like that. I believe it could be that, but I know that it is not. It is about my heart. Oh, my heart, it is full of joy. I am a cloud. I've been on a journey, picking up something here and little something there about my Jesus. He's slowly been filling my heart with His love and His joy for the past 17 years. From the day that I was born and began thrashing about in my sin nature He loved me. Even before then. Before I was single cell He loved me. Before my grandparents were able to walk or crawl He loved me and He desired me. Well, now my heart can't hold all of that love.
What does that even mean? I'm figuring it out. I think I know the answer. I'll tell you what it looks like. My heart can't hold all of that love. That means when I think about my Jesus I have an inexpressible joy. When I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I feel the full definition of a family; and I genuinely love each and every single one of them. I may not know their names, but I know that I love them, and that feels warm. Warmth is a good thing. I laugh a lot. Really, unless you're around me for any amount of time, you probably don't understand. I laugh a lot. And I giggle. I chuckle. Those are all different things. And sometimes tears fill my eyes when I do those things. I don't know why. Sometimes laughter isn't enough. It also means that my heart literally feels warm sometimes. I can't explain it any other way than that. When I say heart, I think I mean my spirit. I'm not sure. I'll work on understanding that. Obviously I'm not talking about my heart as in the muscle. Just bear with me.
There are a lot of other ways I think I could try to explain what I feel but I'm still trying to grasp what it is I'm talking about. Again, bear with me. Anis Mojgani. Look him up. He's incredible. Just do it. Anyway, there's a part of a poem he wrote and it's the best way that I know to explain where I am. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." That's what I realize I need to do. Let it go. My heart, my spirit, everything about myself, is free by the saving grace of Jesus. I am free. I have a free heart. I have a free spirit. Really. It's incredible. Jesus? You should seriously check that guy out. He's the real deal.
So now my heart, spirit, being, everything is free. And it has been for a while now. Except not really because there has been something holding me back and that is myself. How ridiculous of me. My heart and spirit have been in the cage of me and all the while I've been lying to myself and saying that they were free. What does that mean? I've basically been saying "Oh yeah they're free, but I'm not letting them go." How ignorant. My heart wasn't full yet.
I've been seeking my Jesus and trying to hold onto everything He's been saying. A little this here and a little something there. He's been preparing me. My cloud is filling up. His love has been pouring over me for forever now, but it's just been lately, in the past few years, that I have tried to catch any of it in my cup of life. So, it would take a really long time to elaborate on my relationship with Him over the years with its "ups and downs" and how it was only me on that roller coaster and that He was just waiting for me to get over myself and step into His arms. Going into all of that would take a lot more patience than I think I will ever have.
Focusing on now. Here I am. I have all of this love and joy and I don't know what to do with it. I've kept it caged within me and harbored it as my own. It bounces around within me and gives me all of these unexplainable feelings that I love. Now I know that my heart is going to explode if I don't start putting it somewhere else, because I know for a fact that Jesus is going to keep pouring into me. I'm gonna have to unlock that cage and truly set my heart and spirit free. What do I do with this joy? Oh hey, here's a logical answer. It's something that I've been told all of my life to do. I'm just now getting it. I'm supposed to share it with people. I'm supposed to tell others about my Jesus so that they can have some of this joy too, because I can't harbor it all for myself. There's way too much.
Seems so simple. Makes so much sense. I'm just now getting it. So this is where the cloud finds itself breaking. No. Not breaking. It's letting go. My heart is sure. So now I let go. I really don't have any other choice because this joy and love is breaking through me whether I like it or not. This is how it's supposed to be. "My heart was too big for my body, so I let it go." I am free. Welcome to the overflow. When it rains, it pours. Let it rain.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
You got growin' up to do.
Growing up.
I have heard much about it from the time I began understanding a language and transplanting information from short-term to a space of a greater capacity within the depths of my mind. People enjoy discussing it, as if they understand what it requires of them; as if they understand what it demands of others. The idea is familiar to me. Grow up. This means I will be able to claim more inches. I only wish. Surprise surprise. Maximum height is not equivalent to growing up. I'm not sure anyone every completes the process. Growing up means something different for everyone. I believe that everyone has problems and pitfalls that may be eliminated by growing up. 1 Corinthians 13:11(NLT) "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." NAS says "..when I became a man, I did away with childish things." So, we have one way to define growing up. Maybe we should all become men. Too bad God created a second gender and liked it that way. Am I taking this out of context? No, I'm being abstract. Or maybe I'm being difficult and ridiculous. Probably. But mostly I'm taking it out of context. Bear with me.
At this point in my life, for me personally, growing up is meaning a lot of things. It is meaning to respect my authority in all circumstances. Check out Romans 13. A whole chapter dedicated to people having a problem with authority. God knew we'd need that chapter. Read it more than once. Authority. Respect. Respect when I believe they are being rash, ludicrous, or, when I simply do not understand. This doesn't single-out parents. This means teachers, bosses, leaders, and government too. I know that God selected these people to fill a position in my life. In respecting them, I am respecting God. Otherwise I am living out verse 3 of Obadiah, and screaming in the face of my Creator. (3)The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock, in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, "Who will bring me down to the ground?" News flash: God will. Oh hey, there's a verse for that. What's that? It just happens to be verse 4? (4)Though you soar aloft like the eagle , though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the Lord. Alright, I believe it necessary to draw attention to the fact that the Lord declares this. Don't mess with Him. Repect His plan.
Growing up is also meaning that college is near. Friends and families and families of friends and friends of those people and their families and their friends and basically everyone I know is nearing a fork in their little life road. Some friends have already left and others have little time until they move. In all honesty, this is the part that freaks me out the most. The realization that you are not a small child going through the motions of play anymore is unsettling. I don't want to grow up...but I do..but I don't....but really I do. This back and forth thought process is likely to cause motion sickness. Do not throw up in public. That is unattractive.
As I am learning about life and growing up I am realizing that nothing here is certain. I am realizing that all I can hold to is Jesus. Growing up comes in like a tornado. There are warnings, but let's get real: it's going to happen, regardless. So the tornado comes and picks everything up that you have. It takes it all, throws it around for a bit, causes a fair amount of damage, and then sets everything nicely back where it was found. Yeah right. The pieces of your life are now all over the world. Good luck finding them. So right now I'm being warned about this tornado and I know that it's out of my control. I don't know where my pieces will end up or if I'll ever find them again. I am okay with that. Really? Am I? Obviously that is a bold statement. It can't be true. Uhm, yes it can. Last time I checked, everything is possible with God. I didn't come to this point in my walk overnight. It has taken a long time and more doubt than I would like to admit. However, I can honestly say that I am okay with the aftermath of the tornado. People say that God is all they need, but I'm not sure that they ever fully fully fully believe it. I didn't. I've said my entire life that "God is in control." It was halfheartedly that I stated this. I didn't really trust God enough to say "take it all away." This time I'm serious. Take it all and give me more Jesus. I'm perfectly fine with that.
So basically I'm saying that my walk with God is perfect in every way and nothing will ever change that. Ha, wrong-o. What I am saying is that I trust Him. There will still be moments of second-guessing. I am sure of this. I am human. I am weak. I am learning. When your main focus is Jesus and you are going after Him with everything you possess, you will not be afraid. I am not afraid. This world has nothing for me. Give me Jesus. Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I laugh and I giggle a lot. I do not fear the future. I would like to think that I am one tiny step further to becoming the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband, and ultimately for my Jesus.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
If you read all of this, I thank you and I applaud you. Reading is something of a lost art and you just demonstrated that there is hope for finding it again. Farewell, young heart.
Title inspired song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLVbp3JqlrU
I have heard much about it from the time I began understanding a language and transplanting information from short-term to a space of a greater capacity within the depths of my mind. People enjoy discussing it, as if they understand what it requires of them; as if they understand what it demands of others. The idea is familiar to me. Grow up. This means I will be able to claim more inches. I only wish. Surprise surprise. Maximum height is not equivalent to growing up. I'm not sure anyone every completes the process. Growing up means something different for everyone. I believe that everyone has problems and pitfalls that may be eliminated by growing up. 1 Corinthians 13:11(NLT) "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." NAS says "..when I became a man, I did away with childish things." So, we have one way to define growing up. Maybe we should all become men. Too bad God created a second gender and liked it that way. Am I taking this out of context? No, I'm being abstract. Or maybe I'm being difficult and ridiculous. Probably. But mostly I'm taking it out of context. Bear with me.
At this point in my life, for me personally, growing up is meaning a lot of things. It is meaning to respect my authority in all circumstances. Check out Romans 13. A whole chapter dedicated to people having a problem with authority. God knew we'd need that chapter. Read it more than once. Authority. Respect. Respect when I believe they are being rash, ludicrous, or, when I simply do not understand. This doesn't single-out parents. This means teachers, bosses, leaders, and government too. I know that God selected these people to fill a position in my life. In respecting them, I am respecting God. Otherwise I am living out verse 3 of Obadiah, and screaming in the face of my Creator. (3)The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock, in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, "Who will bring me down to the ground?" News flash: God will. Oh hey, there's a verse for that. What's that? It just happens to be verse 4? (4)Though you soar aloft like the eagle , though your nest is set among the stars, from there I will bring you down, declares the Lord. Alright, I believe it necessary to draw attention to the fact that the Lord declares this. Don't mess with Him. Repect His plan.
Growing up is also meaning that college is near. Friends and families and families of friends and friends of those people and their families and their friends and basically everyone I know is nearing a fork in their little life road. Some friends have already left and others have little time until they move. In all honesty, this is the part that freaks me out the most. The realization that you are not a small child going through the motions of play anymore is unsettling. I don't want to grow up...but I do..but I don't....but really I do. This back and forth thought process is likely to cause motion sickness. Do not throw up in public. That is unattractive.
As I am learning about life and growing up I am realizing that nothing here is certain. I am realizing that all I can hold to is Jesus. Growing up comes in like a tornado. There are warnings, but let's get real: it's going to happen, regardless. So the tornado comes and picks everything up that you have. It takes it all, throws it around for a bit, causes a fair amount of damage, and then sets everything nicely back where it was found. Yeah right. The pieces of your life are now all over the world. Good luck finding them. So right now I'm being warned about this tornado and I know that it's out of my control. I don't know where my pieces will end up or if I'll ever find them again. I am okay with that. Really? Am I? Obviously that is a bold statement. It can't be true. Uhm, yes it can. Last time I checked, everything is possible with God. I didn't come to this point in my walk overnight. It has taken a long time and more doubt than I would like to admit. However, I can honestly say that I am okay with the aftermath of the tornado. People say that God is all they need, but I'm not sure that they ever fully fully fully believe it. I didn't. I've said my entire life that "God is in control." It was halfheartedly that I stated this. I didn't really trust God enough to say "take it all away." This time I'm serious. Take it all and give me more Jesus. I'm perfectly fine with that.
So basically I'm saying that my walk with God is perfect in every way and nothing will ever change that. Ha, wrong-o. What I am saying is that I trust Him. There will still be moments of second-guessing. I am sure of this. I am human. I am weak. I am learning. When your main focus is Jesus and you are going after Him with everything you possess, you will not be afraid. I am not afraid. This world has nothing for me. Give me Jesus. Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I laugh and I giggle a lot. I do not fear the future. I would like to think that I am one tiny step further to becoming the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband, and ultimately for my Jesus.
"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
If you read all of this, I thank you and I applaud you. Reading is something of a lost art and you just demonstrated that there is hope for finding it again. Farewell, young heart.
Title inspired song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLVbp3JqlrU
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Come Friday
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| Curtain drenched in sunset. Today I am tired. My eyes reek of fatigue and plead for rest. Wake up little eyes, you have work to do. Please focus. Shed the blur. Dress yourselves in clarity. Little eyes, be alert! Refrain from wandering. I need you here. Little eyes, be careful. Rose-colored glasses are deceptive. Undesirable attire. Do not be fooled. Fix yourselves on things unseen. A scavenger hunt for the eternal. Cleanse yourselves with purity. Relief is on the way. Little eyes, one more thing: Turn to Jesus. If tomorrow is Friday... Then that makes today.....beautiful. |
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Seventh of the Second Month
 |
| Waiting for summer. |
Today.
How beautiful.
Minimal amount of sleep.
3 hour lab.
The vortex mixer machine thing.
^^Made me so happy.
Lots of lab giggles.
Much joy.
Jesus overwhelms me.
Hallway lunches with beautiful friends.
2 exams now behind me.
Gone forever.
Home alas.
Extreme fatigue.
Yard full of sunshine.
Homework awaits me.
Like a dreaded elixir that will be of benefit.
I must face it.
In due time effort will be valued.
You reap what you sow.
Sow thoroughly.
I will.
Rain comes later.
Say yes to thai<3
Joy still overflows.
Today is beautiful.
Friday, January 27, 2012
As oxygen is to your lungs, so time is to the world.
Time.
To define it..
Let's not.
Definition would expire.
It cannot keep up.
Time never stops.
It moves fast.
It moves slow.
A definition would be a snapshot.
A snapshot from the past.
Instantly old.
We must describe it.
Time is personal.
Time is universal.
Everyone has time.
Different amounts.
None the same.
Do not waste it.
You need to be told once more.
Do not waste it.
I beg you.
Time is precious.
You are granted no more time than what you possess right now.
Additions aren't an option.
Extra time composes the air.
Oxygen.
You need this.
Remember.
Breathe.
Time is fickle.
You cannot predict it.
Time is its own master.
It makes the rules.
Everyone follows.
The world is lost without it.
As oxygen is to your lungs, so time is to the world.
Time is big.
Do not be afraid of time.
It has no authority over you.
But time rules the world, you say.
Read your own words.
Oh child, you do not understand.
Time does rule the world.
Indeed, it does.
I am sure of it.
You make no sense.
Listen.
I have something to tell you.
Listen.
You are not of this world.
This world is dark.
You, my child.
You are of Light.
Oh, how great is this news!
I do not understand.
Listen to Me.
Why are you celebrating?
You make no sense.
Listen, my child.
Your words.
They are too many.
Meaningless speech.
Listen to me.
Take heart.
Whose heart?
For I have overcome the world.
Have you forgotten time?
You make no sense.
My child.
Listen to me.
But you make no sense.
It is merely that you do not understand.
If only you would listen.
Please listen.
I will try.
Forgive my distracted mind.
Focus, my child.
Focus on Me.
Listen.
I have overcome the world.
From beginning to end.
I have overcome it.
Do you know what lies between beginning and end?
Do not answer.
Only listen.
I will tell you.
Time.
It fills the gap.
I have overcome it.
You have me.
You are mine.
I am greater.
You now understand.
This news!
It is good!
My heart.
It rejoices.
We celebrate!
We celebrate!
May I ask you something?
Please ask Me.
Where is time now?
It is underneath my feet.
I do not understand.
Without time...
What is there?
Eternity.
I do not understand.
You were not created to.
What do I do?
Trust me.
Do you trust me?
I do.
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