I wrote the following paragraphs on the 14th of September. I found it today and decided to leave it unfinished, as it is. My struggles, condition of heart, and even experience of life on the 23rd is different from that of the 14th. I couldn't replicate exactly the way that I felt when I began writing this, and for me to even attempt that would be robbing myself and anyone who stumbles upon it from a genuine remembrance of that day. I would even say that the moment described below has further shaped my heart for this day. A lot can happen in 9 days. I'm weighing the empty feeling of unresolution against that of accidental distortion. Read on, my dear, it's all genuine from here:
"Lately I've been living out a feeling of un-belonging. I know that it's not going away soon because I am in a season of transition. I am here and living in one place while Jesus is preparing my heart, mind and being for somewhere and something else. It's going to be big. 5-6 months ago Jesus told me that this would be a year of preparation. Slowly and surely He is revealing what I'm being prepared for. It's fun and exciting but I'm not at that place yet and He's already taught me to live presently.
Surely we see the dilemma. Here I am. I'm living here, being prepared for there, getting excited, being told secrets by Jesus (which is thrilling), all the while I'm still called to live presently and in this moment and not miss anything now due the fact that the future is waving its arms in front of my face like it's trying to land a plane. Right. It's a little erratic. I hope these run-on sentences are wearing you out and further illustrating just how exhausting these thought patterns are.
I get caught up in trying so hard not to live in the future and to keep my focus on this moment and I'm saying "Jesus help me," all the time because I know there's no way I can do anything on my own. When it comes down to it, although my intentions are good, my problem is that my mind keeps zooming in on the chaos when my focus needs to be completely on Jesus. I get lost in trying so hard and I completely forget to rest.
Today I rested. I hung my hammock and Jesus held me. The weather was a perfect overcast. The wind was blowing over me and little leaves were falling all around. My heart was still and I was close to Jesus. I crave moments like the one I had today. A moment of completeness. I wanted to stay there forever.
Right when I thought it couldn't get any better the sun broke through the clouds, warmed my face, and I knew that God was smiling at me."
The end.
Right in the midst of a smiling God seems like a nice place to remain anyway.
